Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Tears and regrets - EXTREMELY personal

I don't even know how to begin to say this. There are no words to describe what is going on. Well, there are words, I just don't quite know how to put them together coherently to explain it all.

The worst thing is, I'm not sure which is more saddening - that my marriage has completely fallen apart, or that I no longer care enough to even try to summon the energy to fight for it any more.

Long story short, a few years ago, he had a fling with my then best friend. He did eventually break it off, after a few months and a lot of fighting, and we did everything that was recommended to repair things and save our relationship.

Fast forward to now, three-and-a-half years later.

We don't touch if we don't have to, don't talk if we can ignore each other, and mostly snip and snipe at one another over every little tiny thing we can. It's not healthy. Add in that he's found himself a girlfriend from work, and he's visiting her almost every night on the way home (if it's even home to him any longer), coming back for food, sleep, and clean clothes, and it's just at the end. All over but for the crying.

The discussions have already begun as to who will get what. The sorting out and separating of things has started and it doesn't really hurt that much, if at all.

He is willing to stay until at least May so that bills can get to the point of being completely caught up and a few things paid off (his truck, the gennie, stuff like that, which the gennie would make for a huge financial burden to me), and then he'll go on his merry way with her.

I honestly do want him to be happy, and it's obvious lately that he's not happy with me. He's happy here, in the cabin, but he's not happy being in it with me, so he'll leave. This has been my dream for 30 years, and he just bought into it in the last few years, so he won't make me lose it.

He has offered to help with maintenance and repairs, and to cut wood for me so I will have wood for the wood stove once it is in, and thus can avoid the kero heater any longer at that point.

Thankfully, my paycheck will cover just about everything, and my child support check will help with the rest, along with whatever sales I get. I've been doing better lately, so I can just hope that things keep getting better with the Etsy shop, and that by the time he's gone, I can use that to replace his paycheck and do even better.

At least with any luck, I can keep Bountiful Farm going and eventually make it what I dream of it being.

With all this, a whole new chapter opens in my life, right around the time next year that I hit my half-century mark. I've spent most of my adult life alone, I just never thought that the senior years would hit with me alone again.

We used to be so happy together, but my then best friend instigating things a few years ago to destroy my marriage over some imagined slight (by then, she had seriously started acting like psycho witch from the back of beyond as it was), well ... it just tore things apart to the point that we never really quite got all the pieces picked up and back together again.

I want him happy, and apparently, that isn't with me.

My heart breaks and there's a lot of regret that things are falling apart ... wondering if I'd done this or that or tried harder or whatever, if we would still be talking calmly about who gets what and studiously avoiding fighting over anything. I don't think anything could have saved our marriage, but it sure would have been nice if something did.