I was thinking some today, remembering back a few years. Back to a time when I first came to Arkansas, when I was dating a really super man who I still care deeply for (we just didn't work out, it happens), and my life was somewhat simpler. I got up, went to work, came home and basically screwed around in my head with the idea of homesteading, while venting my frustration with things in general playing a MMORPG (Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game) called City of Heroes. A few years ago, it up and quit without a lot of warning. Right as it had developed and released an upgrade that allowed you take your villain character and run mishies (missions) to turn them into a hero, or vice versa, they called it Going Rogue, and it was fun. I still miss COH to this day. It was a great way to waste an hour or two of general free time and kill off virutal people so I didn't want to kill real ones. It also helped my depression quite a bit, with my various successes in the game.
Right now, I could use that kind of success. There are a number of things going well, but a number also going screwball in the wrong direction, and I wish I could go back to that simpler time and tell myself it will all be okay, to not do certain things and pick something else instead, and to just never give up on myself. I've done that far too much these last few years, and it's long past time to stop.
I've learned the last couple of years to take the small accomplishment and be proud of them. Every little thing I can do is something to be happy about. With all I go through with HIM, I have made the tough decision that I absolutely MUST put myself, my wants and needs first and foremost. And so it is that I put my business ahead of a failing marriage, my homestead and job ahead of feeling miserable (because the business, homestead and job are working to free me from the misery and marriage in tiny steps).
I've been in touch with some old friends, which sadly was brought about by the recent death of another of our mutual friends. She was truly quite a dragon of a lady, and a lady she was. If I was close enough and needed one, she gave great back rubs. She was friendly and fun and funny and warm and a dark-haired vixen of a brick outhouse. She was tough and strong and ran with the boys and shooed the big dogs off the porch more than once. RIP, my friend. You will be missed.
The upside is that the friends have also reminded me that not only can I be tough, too, but I have already been tough. To put up with what I have tolerated for so long from HIM shows some serious chutzpah. This bare bones of a cabin will become a home and safe den for me over time, and a place I can invite others to for visits without feeling like I'm living in a war zone. The stress, the depression, will ease.
The downside to lately is that with no running water (it's too expensive to hook up to the local city water supply and even more expensive to get a well drilled and a pump in) and HIM unwilling to haul in large enough amounts, it looks like my few tomato plants are all I will have in again this year for a garden. I'll tend them with all the loving care I can give them, though, and keep on keeping on. Off for now to work on the store and relax a a bit with who knows what. If I could find a free to play MMO with good graphics like COH had, I'd head off to that for a bit of distraction. Goodness knows, I need it.
Hugs and love till later, all.
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